Children of Divorce

The Ravaging of a Child
 
 
----- "Would you talk to one of my girls? For some reason she has not been the same the last couple of days. It seems as though she is on the verge of tears all the time."

----- The dishwater-blond, first grader followed me quietly to my office. After a couple of puzzles and little talking, I attempted to draw the little girl out of her speechless shell.

----- "Your teacher says that you haven't been the happy, little girl you usually are lately. Is there something wrong or are you just not feeling well?"

----- Instant tears! Elephant tears from both eyes and uncontrollable, gasping sobs
erupt from the once silent stranger. Lots of tissues and a seemingly lengthy time finds
the six year old gaining some whispery but uneven vocal ability.

----- "My momma and daddy are getting a 'avorce' ." sobs this little child of God in a
strained and weak voice between her gasping efforts of stability.

----- "How do you know that?" I'm somewhat disbelieving. I know these parents. The teacher knows these parents. Nothing has been mentioned in conferences about marital difficulties.

----- "My mommy's been fighting with my daddy, and I heard her talking on the telephone. She said she was getting a 'avorce' ", the first grader's big blue eyes begin to clear of tears as she tries to regain composure.

----- Divorce ravages children of all ages. This little girl was experiencing what nearly 50% of our children must endure. Divorce - caused from marrying too early without marketable skills. Divorce - caused from an addiction to a drug that changes personalities of the addicted and their family. Divorce - caused from immature adults attempting those things which should be reserved only for the mature.

----- "Just because your parents are talking about a divorce doesn't mean they are going to get a divorce. Lots of parents get mad and say ugly things that they don't mean." The girl's breathing is softer now and her voice is more firm.

----- "My sister is wetting her bed every night now, and I haven't been sleeping well. I have to get up and change my clothes and help sissy change her's. I don't know why she's doing that every night 'cause I didn't wet my bed when I was four!"

----- "Sissy's probably scared. You sure are a neat, big sister to help out like that. Give your momma and daddy a chance to work things out. Next week may be a whole new week, and I'll be here if it gets better or worse."

----- I walk the brightening youngster back to her classroom, envigorated by a friend with whom she could share. Sure enough, the next week was a new week. But similar episodes conjured-up by the demon in alcohol brought the girl back to my office many times over the next few years.

----- How do children handle divorce? Of course they don't. One divorce counselor noted that children are the real losers in divorce. Divorces ravage children through the divorce process and for years and years afterward.

----- A friend of mine gave me the following advice before my marriage. "If you going to get a divorce, don't have children. It's too hard on the kids when parents divorce." My friend had experienced a divorce at the age of 16 when most people think a child should be able to handle the situation. But there are things that parents can do to help their children manage divorces to some degree.
(Inset 1)
1) Communicate
----- Communicate with the children if they are old enough to understand. Communicate with teachers, counselors, and preachers. Allow the children to communicate with someone who is not too close to the situation. Communicate with grandma's and grandpa's on both sides of the family. Bitterness and animosity between fighting parents breeds suffering children.

2) Use the courts
----- Friendly divorces are easier on children that unfriendly divorces. Keep the divorce proceedings in courts where they belong. Don't drag the school into divorce settlements. Children have a hard enough time dealing with the rigors of schooling without the divorce being dragged into it.

If school officials are dragged into it on one side or the other, then school loses its neutrality - a neat place for suffering children.

3) Abide by court judgements
----- Court ordered visitation rights can be the stabling element in a messy divorce for children who are hurting. Both parents should be equally concerned about their children`s school progress.

Letting school officials and teachers know about visitation schedules and then being diligent in carrying out the schedules adds security to a child's shattering divorce experience.

----- One middle school teacher referred a student whose grades had dropped to F's over a six week period. The teacher had worked with the student as much as he could, understanding that the child was going through a divorce.

----- The child was bitter. "My dad keeps saying mom's coming back but mom's not back. I just don't feel much like school!" was his angry response.

----- A call to both parents and a plea for urgent and honest communication saw the child's grades improve. Children in school should not have to worry about the unknown. Children in school should not have to make adult decisions that pit one parent against the other.

Finally, children should be able to expect at least a semblance of stability during divorce proceedings which should be found both in their school and church attendance.
 
Published in THE LOOKOUT / May 17, 1987 This has had a lead in title on the front page and has a picture of a sad-faced little girl with the article itself. Again, I love the way this publication does my articles. They are very professionally done and are always worth the effort.